He does whatever a spider can
by midjet156
Summary: Deadpool takes over the job of narrating for my drunken ass as we follow yet another different spiderman story that features a young Peter Parker doing what he always does fight crime while trying to figure life out.


Hi there your favorite merc with a mouth deadpool here, you all know by now the writer is completely drunk off his ass so I'll tell the story for him. It's a story you're all too familiar with by now about a dorky kid in red and blue pjs and bug powers, I know right! Doesn't this washed up drunk write about anything else?! But since I'm just the narrator in this train wreck waiting to happen there's nothing I can do so let's just this over with shall we….

Let's see where are we… oh yeah now I remember we're in queens in late September because we have to meet yet another version of our favourite little nerd, this one is just shy of 16 and has been a hero for 5 months, he's much smaller than some of the other versions at a pathetic 5 foot 2 inches and only 100 pounds this version is also gonna be a lot more winey and full of meaningless angst…. You'll see later and uuuhhhhaah do we really have to do this again writer!? You've already written 3 different versions of Peter Parker not counting the spectacular spiderman ones! Enough is enough just pick one and stick to it! No…? You're not gonna? You want me to keep going…. Alright fine! Just like always he was a giant dick before so his uncle got a bullet in him and his aunt who like last time works her ass off as a photographer and waitress so we don't need to go over that again so let's continue with this new Peter and his world…. You better pay me for this you drunk ass writer! You hear me midjet156 I'm not narrating your story written during a drunken blackout for free! Deadpool is never free! Ok back to the fucking story… what do you mean I haven't started it yet.. You know what fine I quit! Have fun doing it yourself asshole!

He does whatever a spider can

During a late September morning a short and skinny young man with light brown hair and just a few months away from turning sixteen awakens for school in his out of shape rented townhouse in queens, it's not perfect but it's all they can afford with aunt may pulling double duty taken people's pictures and waiting tables, he's helped out all he can but 2 dollars per video of his alter egos heroic rescues isn't exactly a leisurely existence but hey just another day in the life of spider-man. As Peter gets up he looks out the window at the house across the street and sees _her _walking out the door, Mary Jane Watson the vibrant red headed life of any party 'she's great' they've lived across the street to each other since they were 4 but neither one REALLY knows that much about the other 'I'm pretty sure her mom died last year…. Or maybe she left I don't know but she's beautiful and awesome' she's the kind of popular girl that often orbits people like flash Thompson not a skinny dork like Peter Parker, sure he's a superhero but no one else knew that.

As he was staring at the pretty redhead walk into the bus his phone rang "hellllo?" 'I should not have prolonged that lo in hello' "sorry to pull you out of your daydream Pete but you missed the bus again…. Stop fantasizing about the party girl and get your ass moving! You can't be late again." 'Ah Gwen Stacy I could always count on her since first grade: part theorist, part best friend, part sister, and part mother.' _Hey everyone deadpool here again unquiting because his drunken narrative and descriptions of everything are so boring so I'll HAVE TO DO IT. Ok now this version of the little blonde is still smart in all that science shit but she is also one fucking awesome drummer and of course she has quite a Boner for our nerdy hero not that she'll do Jack shit about it! So our clueless bug heads to the toilet for a big ass shit, changes into his red and blue suit and swings his dumb ass to school arriving just as his bus does _"Pete how the hell do you get here? You missed the bus and you just suddenly appear here… what can you teleport!" "I got here early, couldn't really sleep last night" _that's true old petey spent all night chasing down muggers and shit like only HE could help out all the little old ladies, he didn't get home till after 5 in the morning. Gwen was about to say something but the spider themed angst machine just takes off towards Mary Jane completely forgetting about the blonde friend that knows and OBVIOUSLY loves him so completely! _Hey ga good morning Mary Jane you uh you look really nice to today….." _Oh come on! Are you fucking kidding me!? I can't take it you're a fucking superhero and you're stuttering over a pretty girl you know next to nothing about….? I give up! Again…. Nah not really I was just making sure this drunk didn't bore you guys yet. _"Oh hey uh paul…. No wait peter right….?" _Wow she doesn't even know your name and you've been neighbors and classmates for years! Good job kid you sure have your priorities straight. _"Yeah it's Peter Peter Parker…. I've lived across the street since we're kids….." "Oh…? Are you at 236?" "No actually I'm 228, directly across from you…." _Jesus kid just quit while she at least knows your name because this girl wouldn't recognize you if you were wearing flashing neon signs performing a concert outside her door while your aunt was calling you in for dinner. She doesn't know you, you don't know her so stop trying to pull a spiderman homecoming and focus on the person who really knows you and you really know her! _"Well yeah um well anyway you look really nice today Mary Jane and we should do something tonight!" _God dammit! What is wrong with you kid?! I thought your character was supposed to be smart…. She didn't know you were her neighbor even though you've always been, she didn't even know your god damn name and yet five fucking seconds later you ask her out without even remembering to breathe? Ha you're fuck and I can't wait to watch so press play midjet! _"Oh man punny Parker's asking mj out! Ha that's ritch! Beat it dork!" _What?! That's it you're not gonna kick his little spider ass? You're just gonna keep on walking by?! Really?! Man what is wrong with this writer?! Lay of the booze man! _"Mj?" "Yeah well in case you haven't noticed my name kinda means weed so I like mj" "ya… yeah uh me me too…. Well I'll see you around I guess…." _And so our air headed red head, love sick but submissive blonde and clueless heroic brunette made their way into the low stakes hell pit of high school to start their day of classes consisting mostly of stoners passing out, couples getting hot and horny, sadistic fucks torturing others, stuffing food into mouth holes and teachers begging to have lightning strike them. There's supposedly much more to the story but since the writer is about to pass out drunk in a pool of vomit I'm gonna have to sign off here. This is the merc with a mouth asking for feedback and chimichangas. _


End file.
